ALL CAPS IS YOUR FRIEND!!!!! part 1

Commenting is a fine art. Remember, re-reading a comment for mistakes is a waste of time and energy.

CEE JAY responding to the thread Is Tommy Illiterate? from the message board of the thankfully long ago canceled VH1 show, Tool Academy:

"I'M WITH U....TOMMY IS A A REAL DUMMY,,,YOU CAN LOOK AT HIM AND TELL HE DID GET PASS THE 8TH GRADE..JUST SEEN 2ND EPISODE AND WHAT A REAL DIC...THE *** HAS A GIRLFRIEND OF 6 YEARS AND COME TO THE SHOW WITH ANOTHER GIRL..IT'S GOOD THE PIG GOT BUSTED, BUT THE GIRL WITH VERY, VERY LOW SELF-ESTEEM STILL STAYED WITH HIM. LOW SELF-ESTEEM IS ONE THING BUT STUPIDITY IS ANOTHER .I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT THOSE GIRLS SEE IN THAT SCUM BAG ROOSTER LOOKING 8TH GRADE DROPOUT LOSER.... "

Nice use of all caps. Kudos CEE JAY, you have gone a long way in the quest to rid the world of the "scum bag rooster" that is illiteracy.

Schadenfreude is for lovers

Having established that certain things are crap, and seeing how much people love to complain about crap, it's no surprise that the 'net is littered with angry comments and posts about said crap.
Yet, there is a special brand of person who will get super-ass angry 13 or 14 times a day, often for no other reason than extreme boredom and/or gas pains. I like to call those people a**holes who spend most of their life leaving bitter and divisive comments.

Here is the process I believe these jerk-heads use:

1)First write the review out on a word processing program and go over the text a few times. I find reading it out loud helps! Make sure to check your spelling!

2)Next stand up and walk away from the computer and take a break for about 15 minutes. Have a spot of tea, or perhaps even a nice cookie.

3)Then return to your desk, slam your hand in a drawer repeatedly, drink a bottle of widow cleaner, scream "I hate (Item/person that does not deserve enough attention to merit any response positive or negative) more than Nazis, the Devil and lukewarm light beer!"

4)Erase every half way intelligent thing you previously wrote and then type as fast as possible with all the force and anger you can muster, leaving no doubt that you are upset in a way that would make people uncomfortable at parties, if in fact you were ever invited to parties. (please avoid dripping blood on the keyboard as they are hard to clean blood out of).

5)Press "enter" in a dramatic fashion.
6)Repeat everyday until you die in a horrible Rascal accident at an all-you-can eat seafood restaurant

Sometimes even a headless cardinal finds a nut

Not all web commentary is vapid, worthless and unnecessarily profane. Occasionally, you come across a product review that hits the nail (or in this case the cardinal) right on the head. I think you will agree* the following is why Amazon has customer reviews. Oh, and it doesn't hurt that it made me laugh 'til I cried. I'm a sick that way.

Perky Pet 337 Squirrel-Be-Gone III Feeder, 8 lb capacity
Bird Guillotine!
August 31, 2008 By J. Morris (Delray Beach, FL USA)

"This bird feeder became a guillotine for one of our cardinals when a black bird landed on the perch and the weigh closed off the hole that the cardinal was eating from... I'd rather feed a squirrel than to kill beautiful cardinals."
I'd rather do neither, but thanks for the heads-up J. Morris!

p.s sorry about all the hack head/decapition jokes, I'm not getting enough sleep.

*If you do not agree please return this blog for a full refund! Offer not available to jerks who disagree with Stupid Galore