Sometimes even a headless cardinal finds a nut

Not all web commentary is vapid, worthless and unnecessarily profane. Occasionally, you come across a product review that hits the nail (or in this case the cardinal) right on the head. I think you will agree* the following is why Amazon has customer reviews. Oh, and it doesn't hurt that it made me laugh 'til I cried. I'm a sick that way.

Perky Pet 337 Squirrel-Be-Gone III Feeder, 8 lb capacity
Bird Guillotine!
August 31, 2008 By J. Morris (Delray Beach, FL USA)

"This bird feeder became a guillotine for one of our cardinals when a black bird landed on the perch and the weigh closed off the hole that the cardinal was eating from... I'd rather feed a squirrel than to kill beautiful cardinals."
I'd rather do neither, but thanks for the heads-up J. Morris!

p.s sorry about all the hack head/decapition jokes, I'm not getting enough sleep.

*If you do not agree please return this blog for a full refund! Offer not available to jerks who disagree with Stupid Galore

Who Knew?

Today, we here at Stupid Galore thought it was time to get serious.
To our shock, we have discovered a worldwide scourge few knew existed. Is it the terrible economy? Nope. Global Warming? Not even close. The lack of a high quality scented toilet paper? No way.
The real evil looming over mankind turns out to be: Left-Handed Popes who don't double check the cover of their book before it goes to the printer.

I wish I was kidding.

Check out this kinda weird and totally sad/stupid review on Amazon of Pope Benedict XVI's book Jesus of Nazareth.

Jesus of Nazareth (Paperback)
by Pope Benedict XVI (Author)
left-handed Christ, May 22, 2008
By
Pauline T. Moulder (Pensacola, FL USA)
Jesus of Nazareth (Hardcover)

"The picture of Jesus is from an original work of art. In the original picture, Jesus is blessing with his right hand. In this picture, Jesus is blessing with his left hand. Now when you publish a book, accuracy, at least for the cover photo is most important and easy to spot. A true pope would never allow such a "mistake." Benedict XVI preaches contrary to Catholic Doctrine; He even baptizes people on the backs of their heads, creating invalid baptisms. The heresy in this book is badly disguised as Catholicism, but nobody wants to notice the left-handed antichrist or the left-handed pope and his heresies. The devil must be laughing up a storm. Benedict XVI could show up with red horns on his head breathing fire and still they would make excuses for him. They would probably call it a medical condition."

I Don't Wanna Grow Up

The following comment is a perfect example of a pathetic 12-year-old with limited intelligence pretending to be a pathetic 30-year-old with limited intelligence:

From The Cult of Celebrity by Cooper Lawrence on Amazon:

YOU are NOT an EXPERT, May 12, 2009 By Matthew Mowers

"oh my god, this was pure drivel and this book made me and my friends question her as a human being. do a more in DEPTH research next time. not after your famous screw up that i heard about i just couldn't believe anyone was as stupid as that. then your book proved me wrong. im a parent and i know what the esrb is. it has been around since 1996 because of a game called MORTAL KOMBAT. so next time you open your mouth to promote your gutteral crap, just remember that many intelligent people and gamers alike will NOT buy your books"


Oh, sweet mother of crap.

Matthew, you sir, are a top-of-the-line moron.

If you are indeed a parent like you claim, then god help those children. Do the world a favor and do not help your kids with their homework. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if you're in the same grade as your imaginary children. Do you take the same little bus to school together every morning? Does your wife (or in this case Mommy) pack you both the same PB and J with the crusts cut off for lunch? Or are you more of a Lunchables kinda guy?

Matthew please do the following: grow up, get a life and move on. Oh and one more thing brainiac, it's spelled guttural.

Waaaaaaaaaah!

Turns out this review is the worst piece of drivel I have ever read:

The Cult of Perfection: Making Peace with Your Inner Overachiever (Hardcover)

The worst piece of drivel I've ever read., March 30, 2009
By R. Carranza

"Sets women back 200 years. I think it's time for this author to put away her Mac and go back to the Steno Pool where she belongs. How many trees died to print this garbage? "

No reason to beat around the bush, here are a few reasons why R's review is a giant pile of crap:

-He complains about women being set back 200 years and then in his next breath, set women back another 50.

-Assumes that everyone uses a Mac. Some people can only afford PC's.
(Unlike whinny trust fund bastards like R . who leave reviews for books they have never even read just because the author hurt their feelings. Boohoo, poor you! Waaaaaaaaah. "Mommy come quick! The scary lady said one negative thing about my toy over a year ago and I still can't get over it because of a cripplingly myopic world view that precludes me from understanding the difference between dialogue and argument!" Waaaaah! "I want revenge, but I don't want to use my name or allow any real back and forth because then I would have take responsibility for my actions." Waaaaaaah!)

-Attempts to use "Steno Pool" ironically.

-Attempts irony.

-Throws in a random environmentally friendly tirade, because he read on a message board that he might be able to lose his virginity before turning 32 by pretending to be "all Green and sh**!"

Taunting people who can't fight back can be fun!

From Citizen Kane (Two-Disc Special Edition)(Amazon)
An Insult to My Intelligence!

May 14, 2005
By Ethan (USA) -

"I'm 45 years old. I have seen so many great films in my life. I think I'm old enough to know what film is good or bad. Who are those idiots calling Citizen Kane the best film ever made???? I wonder how many films those people have ever seen before saying such stupid things like that. It's extreamely absurd."

I am not 45 years old. I have seen a lot of great Amazon reviews in my life, and this is not one of them. I think I am smart/bored enough to know when a review is good or bad. Who are the jerks that write reviews challenging the intelligence of others yet do not take the time to avoid sounding like a brain damaged moron themselves???? I wonder how many reviews Ethan wrote before saying such stupid things like "like that". It's extreamely absurd.

Ummmm...I think you're in the wrong place

A few of the customer reviews on Amazon are weird; this we know. Sometimes you stumble across a posting that is both strange and way, way, way, out of place. Take a gander at this gem, and make sure to double check the "this review is from" line. Oh, and I love the fact that 14 out of 35 people somehow found this review helpful:

JRR TOLKIEN makes his mark in the field of Fantasy, May 11, 2001
By Cherry Blossoms (Japanese Documentarist) (NY) - See all my reviews
This review is from: Mein Kampf (Paperback)

"The Hobbit is an excellent work of fiction. However, many believe Tolkien's masterpiece was brought on by his severe heroin addiction. Clearly Bilbo Baggins is what he views himself as,a dillusional 3 foot tall man. Heroin makes addicts feel as if they shrink, and become thieves, stealing from loved ones to pay for their costly habit. When Bilbo steals the ring of invisibility, it's clear that he feels himself as invisible to his wife. I suggest marijuana."

I suggest rehab.