ALL CAPS IS YOUR FRIEND!!!!! part 1

Commenting is a fine art. Remember, re-reading a comment for mistakes is a waste of time and energy.

CEE JAY responding to the thread Is Tommy Illiterate? from the message board of the thankfully long ago canceled VH1 show, Tool Academy:

"I'M WITH U....TOMMY IS A A REAL DUMMY,,,YOU CAN LOOK AT HIM AND TELL HE DID GET PASS THE 8TH GRADE..JUST SEEN 2ND EPISODE AND WHAT A REAL DIC...THE *** HAS A GIRLFRIEND OF 6 YEARS AND COME TO THE SHOW WITH ANOTHER GIRL..IT'S GOOD THE PIG GOT BUSTED, BUT THE GIRL WITH VERY, VERY LOW SELF-ESTEEM STILL STAYED WITH HIM. LOW SELF-ESTEEM IS ONE THING BUT STUPIDITY IS ANOTHER .I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT THOSE GIRLS SEE IN THAT SCUM BAG ROOSTER LOOKING 8TH GRADE DROPOUT LOSER.... "

Nice use of all caps. Kudos CEE JAY, you have gone a long way in the quest to rid the world of the "scum bag rooster" that is illiteracy.

Schadenfreude is for lovers

Having established that certain things are crap, and seeing how much people love to complain about crap, it's no surprise that the 'net is littered with angry comments and posts about said crap.
Yet, there is a special brand of person who will get super-ass angry 13 or 14 times a day, often for no other reason than extreme boredom and/or gas pains. I like to call those people a**holes who spend most of their life leaving bitter and divisive comments.

Here is the process I believe these jerk-heads use:

1)First write the review out on a word processing program and go over the text a few times. I find reading it out loud helps! Make sure to check your spelling!

2)Next stand up and walk away from the computer and take a break for about 15 minutes. Have a spot of tea, or perhaps even a nice cookie.

3)Then return to your desk, slam your hand in a drawer repeatedly, drink a bottle of widow cleaner, scream "I hate (Item/person that does not deserve enough attention to merit any response positive or negative) more than Nazis, the Devil and lukewarm light beer!"

4)Erase every half way intelligent thing you previously wrote and then type as fast as possible with all the force and anger you can muster, leaving no doubt that you are upset in a way that would make people uncomfortable at parties, if in fact you were ever invited to parties. (please avoid dripping blood on the keyboard as they are hard to clean blood out of).

5)Press "enter" in a dramatic fashion.
6)Repeat everyday until you die in a horrible Rascal accident at an all-you-can eat seafood restaurant

Sometimes even a headless cardinal finds a nut

Not all web commentary is vapid, worthless and unnecessarily profane. Occasionally, you come across a product review that hits the nail (or in this case the cardinal) right on the head. I think you will agree* the following is why Amazon has customer reviews. Oh, and it doesn't hurt that it made me laugh 'til I cried. I'm a sick that way.

Perky Pet 337 Squirrel-Be-Gone III Feeder, 8 lb capacity
Bird Guillotine!
August 31, 2008 By J. Morris (Delray Beach, FL USA)

"This bird feeder became a guillotine for one of our cardinals when a black bird landed on the perch and the weigh closed off the hole that the cardinal was eating from... I'd rather feed a squirrel than to kill beautiful cardinals."
I'd rather do neither, but thanks for the heads-up J. Morris!

p.s sorry about all the hack head/decapition jokes, I'm not getting enough sleep.

*If you do not agree please return this blog for a full refund! Offer not available to jerks who disagree with Stupid Galore

2 Bed, 2 Bath, 1 ICBM

What would you do with $50,000? This is the question that was put to the deep thinkers/homebound at Overstock.com. Now in all fairness, most of the answers on Overstock's not-that-overstocked Message Board were very straight forward. Lots of paying off of mortgages and assorted bills, after all these are troubling economic times. But just as my curiosity and laptop battery power were careening towards zero, the glorious light of crazy shone bright through a haze of normalcy:

Re: If you were to win $50,000... posted at 1/7/2009 9:19 PM MST

"I'd pay off student loans, pay off medical bills from October, and use the rest to put down on a decommissioned missile silo. "

Diana
Just in case anyone out there is interested, check out these great deals on Missile Silos! Prices so low, you'd have to be super-extra crazy to pass them up and/or think it was necessary to live in a missile silo.

p.s I will be adding this site to my Amazon Wish List

Who Knew?

Today, we here at Stupid Galore thought it was time to get serious.
To our shock, we have discovered a worldwide scourge few knew existed. Is it the terrible economy? Nope. Global Warming? Not even close. The lack of a high quality scented toilet paper? No way.
The real evil looming over mankind turns out to be: Left-Handed Popes who don't double check the cover of their book before it goes to the printer.

I wish I was kidding.

Check out this kinda weird and totally sad/stupid review on Amazon of Pope Benedict XVI's book Jesus of Nazareth.

Jesus of Nazareth (Paperback)
by Pope Benedict XVI (Author)
left-handed Christ, May 22, 2008
By
Pauline T. Moulder (Pensacola, FL USA)
Jesus of Nazareth (Hardcover)

"The picture of Jesus is from an original work of art. In the original picture, Jesus is blessing with his right hand. In this picture, Jesus is blessing with his left hand. Now when you publish a book, accuracy, at least for the cover photo is most important and easy to spot. A true pope would never allow such a "mistake." Benedict XVI preaches contrary to Catholic Doctrine; He even baptizes people on the backs of their heads, creating invalid baptisms. The heresy in this book is badly disguised as Catholicism, but nobody wants to notice the left-handed antichrist or the left-handed pope and his heresies. The devil must be laughing up a storm. Benedict XVI could show up with red horns on his head breathing fire and still they would make excuses for him. They would probably call it a medical condition."

Sponge Bob's Death Pool

Vacations can be a giant pain in the ass. If you're traveling with kids just multiply your worries by X (x=number of brats - number of xanax you can take without falling into a coma).

Just thinking about it makes me want to burn my passport and run, not walk, to get a vasectomy, but there are ways to avoid having a terrible time on your trip into madness. The travel experts here at Stupid Galore strongly suggest that you do your homework before embarking on a soul-crushing family vacation. Handy websites like TripAdvisor will help you find the right hotel at the right price and in the right location!

Let's say your little booze-induced mistakes worship at the feet of one Mr. Sponge Bob, if so then you might want to look into Nickelodeon's Family Hotel in Orlando. Browsing the reviews yields what you might expect: some people think it's the bee's knees, others think it's the bee's crotch. But one review jumped out at us as not only being hilariously tragic but also tragically hilarious. Before you read the review please remember to keep this invaluable travel tip in mind: Nothing will ruin a trip like warm beer and dead children. Enjoy!

Trauma that we'll never recover from
by: Traveling-Momma5

"Not enough life jackets to accomodate the families that wanted them, and we witnessed a small lifeless boy being drug from the pool, which completely tramatized our family. We're hoping and praying he will fully recover, we were told by the staff that he eventually did begin breathing.
Dirty room, many things broken (lights, phones, refrigerator, safe). Restricted shuttle hours, broken icee machine, broken coffee machine, warm beer.
NOT worth the money, not even close."

Extremely Raw Stupidity!!! Oooh, Yeah!

While taking a stroll through the WWE Forums (that's a pro wrestling website, if you didn't know you're a pencil-necked geek), we came across so many ridiculous comments and topics that we just couldn't fit them all into one post. Thus, today, we are officially launching:

The WWE Ridiculously Stupid and Borderline Racist/Felonious/Disturbing Comment of the Month Award! (or the wwersabrfdcotma-ies for short)

Before we take this magical trip together, it's important to make it clear WE ARE NOT MAKING FUN of professional wrestling or the WWE. Hell, everyone at Stupid Galore spent the better part of their childhood glued to the TV watching superheroes like Andre The Giant, Hulk Hogan, Koko B-Ware and Rowdy Rod Pipper (They Live is the official movie of Stupid Galore).

So, before you send your angry emails and comments, just remember: we hate the player, not the game.

Ok, now that that's out of the way, let's get to the dumbassery!

Here's a beauty from WWE's Off Topic Forum:

In response to the query: Do U Like Mexican Women?

I Whitty 54 {The Chain Gang Commander}

"i know down here they always be having sex all the time and do hardcore stuff and im like.ok i dont want to have sex with u anymore because i might get STD's"

It must be noted, despite the fact that Mr.{Commander} is clearly a syphilitic douchebag, he does have a surprisingly sharp inter-monologue thing goin' on. I mean, he's darn close to becoming this generation's Woody Allen.

He's got the misogyny down.

-authors note: Everyone at Stupid Galore sends out our best wishes to the family of the late great Randy Macho Man Savage. Thanks for all the fun and make sure to kick-ass in the squared circle in the sky.

Unrelated Picture of Chuck Norris

It's that time again! (despite the fact we are not 100% sure if it was ever that time before)
Stupid Galore wishes to honor a few of the stupidest galoriest websites of all time!!!!
These crapholes are so bad that the comments left by people with super high speed internet but no teeth, are usually the most intelligent part. Each week we will introduce you, the "dumb-ass illiterate" (not to be confused with the illiterate dumb-asses we are mocking), to a new site that will have you questioning the value of humanity. If you think about it we are a horrible, horrible bunch. We fight, kill, smell bad (Yeah we're looking right at you France) and create pure evil like One Tree Hill and Ghost Whisperererer....erer. Anyhoo, let the f***t*** Olympics begin!

-If you like politics AND you have frontal lobe damage you are going to love:

WORLD NETDAILY!!!!!!!!!

Aw man, this site is tight! It's got mad skilzzzzz. Come for the stupid, stay for the wacky lies!

NEXT WEEK: We make fun of Alpacas, seriously.